Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.