kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
#SuperBowl
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?