*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.