@adamjest: Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
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@YesThatAmy: What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!
@Sickayduh: "Hey Fred" Yeah Barney? "The Bee Gees have no hot chicks in the band" Yeah but ABBA do!
@HousewifeOfHell: Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside