@adamjest: Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
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@Owl_Meat: [Next door dog barking] Me: *inserts earpugs* [Barking intensifies] Me: wtf................haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
@Rollinintheseat: Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
@vladchoc: Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
@BlACk__ThRoaT: When I'm home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.