@adamjest: Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.
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@AndyAsAdjective: coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
@thenatewolf: Guard: what do you want for your last meal? Me: anything? Guard: anything Me: the warden Guard: oooooo he ain't gonna like that...