[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My typo game is string.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.