@krisv_723: Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors. "I'd like to talk to you about modern science "
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@TheCatWhisprer: [texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*
@RuthePhoenix: Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
@mattZillaaaa: I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I'm eating a salad
@StockSwaff: Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy.