Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
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You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.