When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe