Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
You are not alone 💚