Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it