She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.