*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
You Might Also Like
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
🙋♀️
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart