*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Mmmm canned fish.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?