Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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the red hot silly peppers
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.