*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Thoughts
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*