*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
#winning
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.