My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me