Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”