Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
You Might Also Like
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”