Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.