@johnofah: Pluto wasn't even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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@Thynebear: Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat. "Wear something that doesn't show stains" [5 hours later] How was your date? She hated my poncho.
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@david8hughes: [911 call] "My hand's stuck in a blender!" "Turn it on then." "What?" " I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying."
@WilliamAder: The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.