No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
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Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
🖤✌🏽
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*