Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.