poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You Might Also Like
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A game married people play.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.