*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.