Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost