*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Just a friendly reminder!
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.