the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
You Might Also Like
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I think my mom just blocked me
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.