One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
mom gave me mine for free
I like crazy people until they notice me
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
black phone good
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Animal poetry
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”