*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Festive toon…
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
One of the best
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.