*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.