Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
real
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly