*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money