[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL