Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!