POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.