Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA