Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.