[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.