[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Xylophonist Shredding It
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved