[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
You Might Also Like
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.