[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward