[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.