what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew