B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?