Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You Might Also Like
next question.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My wedding will be open casket.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner