Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute