Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”