POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids