Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come