[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I already tried new things thanks.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now