POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.