I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Favourite diary entry ever
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“We will wed,” I threatened
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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